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You Got Softcore Porn In My Super Monkey Ball…. YAY! (A PS Vita Story)

21 Apr

Super Monkey Ball Porno. Soft Porno. Bikini Babe

When porn and monkey balls meet. o_O O_O O_o *facepalm*

Oh Japan. You so silly. What would we do without you?

Seriously, WHAT… THE HELL… would we do without you? Probably live a less shameful life…. that’s for DAMN SURE…. and if you don’t know what I’m referring to (like that’s possible, cause you somehow missed the beautiful half-dressed Asian model and her boobs popping awkwardly off the videogame screenshot and into your face) then just…. just…. FEAST DEM EYES!

Cause a feast it is. A feast. For the eyes.

Yukie Kawamura Super Monkey Ball Screenshot

Super Monkey Ball Vita's Adult Mood. No it isn't April 1st.

Okay okay, I’ll try to get serious for one second. As serious as you can be when discussing monkeys in balls and saying it with absolutely no sexual innuendo intended… cause you know. Monkeys. In balls. Plastic ones. And they roll around. Collecting bananas. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

… what do you mean you can’t? Oh you’re watching the video. Okay I understand. Just keep that fap fap fapping down in there. Your mom might hear.

Ahem. So in what has to be quite possibly the strangest move I’ve ever seen a developer make (gay homosexual penis-filled shoot ’em ups not withstanding. We’re talking about Japan here, mind)… okay strangest move I’ve ever seen a GIANT, “AAA”, household name, largely family-friendly developer ever make…. The house that Sonic built… Where’s Sonic you ask? Sonic’s in the closet. Crying his cute little eyes out cause you just robbed his dignity.

Sega has announced that the newest Super Monkey Ball game, that’d be “Super Monkey Ball: Banana Splitz” (*facepalm*) for the PS Vita, will contain… An “ADULT MODE”. You heard me right. Why they didn’t just throw in the whole kitten and caboodle and go fully nude, hardcore XXX pornographic on us is lost on me, but someone working at Sega had the bright idea to come up with a “hardcore” “Adult Mode” in which a sexually-charged, strategically posed, half-naked, tiny-bikini-clad Asian of unspeakable beauty would be staring directly at the player in photographic form from every surface in which the Monkey rolls his balls. Erhm. I mean, rolls his ball. Over the hills and yonder. Yeah. THOSE HILLS. Aaaaaa. Get it? THOSE HILLS. Like, you know. Boobs. BOOBS.

Super Monkey Ball: Banana Splitz (PS Vita) Sexy Screenshot

Balls. Monkeys. Petite Asian Girls In Bikinis. Skin. Bananas. It all sounds so wrong!

Okay I have to say it… What in the HELL is Sega thinking? I have a REALLY hard time believing this whole thing is actually real, but no… these screenshots boaring their holes into your eyesockets ARE real. And yes, it DOES look like a little monkey permanantly sealed in a small plastic ball is getting ready to roll atop…. atop… physical, popping-up, hill-like BREASTS that are just planted in the middle of the screen as if they were normal everyday videogame obstacles. I mean okay okay, it’s an “Adult Mode”. I can’t say I’m “surprised”. But really? REALLY Sega? REALLY? I mean just look at it… You mean to tell me this isn’t made by some 13-year-old kid in his basement? Created while he was sitting on a stack of Playboys? With NO PANTS.

Anyway, reportedly this whole thing all came about due to the BEAUTY that is ravaging your eyes right now, and how she has been a spokeperson for the Super Monkey Ball series (or this lattest PS Vita version in particular) for a while now. Oh and apparently she’s well known in the land where beautiful people reside (i.e. Japanese girls). She’s a smokin’, cute-as-a-button, so-sexy-I-want-to-move-to-Japan-right-now-permanantly gal who pretends to play a PS Vita with Super Monkey Ball on it for a few seconds to draw attention to their new little game in commercials and print-ads. Nice gig she has eh?

Adorable Yukie Kawamura being cute and Asian. Like an angel. Monkey Ball Angel

God she's so precious. Can I have one? "Yes Timmy but keep it under the sheets."

Her name is Yukie Kawamura. Not that you cared about that. What do you mean you’re googling her right now? Dude. DUDE. NSFW. COVER THE SCREEN WITH YOUR HANDS! Ahem. Given that she’s a smokin’ hot Bikini model (and God knows what else), Sega obviously did a little 1+1=2 and thought they’d stick her in the game on this special “Adult Mode” map and tell everyone that you can only get this SPECIAL (oh so special) version of the game if you buy a copy of Super Monkey Ball: Banana Splitz for PS Vita that was produced during the first initial print-run. Yes. That’s right little boys. Run! RUN TO THE STORE AND PRE-ORDER THE GAME! Who am I kiddin’? I’ll bet it’s already sold out…. Well played Sega. WELL PLAYED.

So yeah, I mean, you put two and two together… and…. you know. YOU GET….

THIS.

Super Monkey Ball Vita Yukie Kawamura Porn

There are no words.

Thanks Japan.

Now watch her squeal like a girl!

By the way, did I mention that if you pre-order the game or get your hands on one of the initial print-runs, it comes with a promocard that has the code printed on it to download this uber-special softcore Super Monkey Ball: Banana Splitz PS Vita map? It’s not quite DLC. No that’s not the point. STOP. And look. THIS is what the code is printed on. And there are three versions. THREE VERSIONS. Now to quote someone’s youtube comment from the trailer you just watched…. “*sigh* Goddammit Japan!”

Yuki Promo Card Super Monkey Ball Vita: Banana Splitz Adult Mode

Super Monkey Ball. Adult Mode Style. Go ahead. Play yourself.

At least I didn’t say “here’s a video of Yuki playing herself” like other websites did. I got more class than that. Yes I did post each and every picture of Yuki. What do you mean you thought this was a Christian site? :D What do you mean I have God selected as a category? Well that’s because God’s watching son. GOD’S WATCHING.

 
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Posted by on April 21, 2012 in Features, God, News, Videogame News, Videos

 

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